Welp, Bug is officially THREE!! And I will take this minute to apologize to all the people I didn’t believe when they told me that 3’s would be so much more chaotic than 2’s. She is quite the little Her-icane. Now that Hubs and I have officially finished re-evaluating our one-on-one defense strategy, let’s dive into what make toddlers into the chaotic little bunch that they are. LET THE CHAOS COMMENCE!!
toddler: /ˈtɑdlər/ n. a tornado of giggles wrapped in sunshine and covered in dirtOkay, I made that up, but it sounds about right! I want to break down this developmental stage and give myself and the other mommas, daddys, and caregivers a little peptalk in this parenting game.
Toddlers Are:
Survivalists – You know that time, maybe a few minutes ago, you tried to offer your toddler a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? You spread the PB to a perfect 1/4″ shmear covering edge to edge [#crusttocrustisamust] and the jelly not too thick and not too thin. Toddler acknowledges and accepts your efforts and begins to enjoy their lunch. UNTIL! You sit down with your leftovers from last night they refused to touch. Screaming ensues because they are CONVINCED they MUST eat your lunch instead of theirs.
Toddlers are survivalists. They must consume everyone else’s resources before beginning to deplete their own. No wonder preschool classrooms are so loud! It’s a bunch of tiny shipwrecked sailors trying to make sure they have enough plastic corn and purple crayons to get them through the morning until nap time!
Detectives – “Why do you have a nose?” “What are you doing?” “Why do I have to nap?” “Why do you WANT to nap?” “What are you doing now?” “Who ate my snack?” [Bug. Bug ate her own snack. Like 5 seconds ago.] Who-What-Where-When-Why-How. Its the phase of never ending ’20 Questions’ and I feel like I am pretty much always losing.
Dictators – Breakfast of drinking yogurt will be served promptly at 7:28AM on Saturdays and Sundays. It is best served on the couch with enertainment consisting of Paddington Bear or Daniel Tiger. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse may sufice if the moon was the correct color last night. You best wait for the exactly perfect minute to get Bug out of bed Monday through Friday (that perfect minute may change without warning).
This little Her-cane lives by the beat of her own drum and enjoys the glitter-covered-chaos in her wake. Best to get a boat, oar, raincoat, and fruit snacks (for bribing purposes).
Toddlers are: Building themselves up
While I hope you got a good little laugh out of that honesty, I want to shed some real light on this developmental phase. The statements made, while dripping in sarcasm, are funny because there is some truth hiding behind the jokes. And there are developmental theories to support why this age acts the way they do!
Our toddlers fall right in the middle of these stages learning how to be independent little people and not quite sure how to do it. Based on Erikson’s theory on development of sense of self and social development, Bug is pretty deep into Stage 2 (Autonomy vs Doubt). She is continuing to grow in her ability to make her own choices and learning to be more independent. She WANTS to be independent but is not quite skilled or efficient enough to get things accomplished the way they need to be done (getting herself dressed, tie her shoes, brushing her teeth, pouring her glass of milk – she COULD do most of these things but they would either take way too long or cause a huge mess). Bug is developing her sense of independence, but it is fragile. Supporting the moments of success grows her sense of “can-do” and build the metaphorical bridge into childhood independence.
Toddlers Are: Developing thinking skills
Looking at Piaget’s theory (pictured below), Bug has essentially mastered HOW to move her body and how her body interacts with the rest of the world (the sensorimotor skills Bean is currently mastering – look back into Busy Bodied Babies for a refresher!), and is now learning to USE the information and extend that into PRETEND PLAY!! Her babies have names and are also ‘learning to make good choices.’ Its exciting to see this age start to give toys cars personalities and reenact an event from earlier in the day. They are processing the emotional excitement and rehearsing how they will react next time. The foresight of logical reasoning hasn’t grown yet and Bug’s world is still dominated by ‘mine and me’ but she is blooming right before our eyes.
Looking at the skills emerging based on this theory, it’s important to remember that our little one’s feelings are genuinely hurt when the dog sits on their teddy bear and they truly don’t understand how you could possibly be tired if they are not. The skills are growing! While I know you are running on a battery that’s at about 8%, explaining these things again is really what helps our little growing toddlers understand.
Imagine that you are constantly reminded that you are “big” and need to do things for yourself and then unable to accomplish the tasks provided. Or someone usually steps and does it for you anyway, even though you are feeling persistent and trying your best. Enter: Toddler meltdowns.
Toddlers are: Learning to communicate
A colleague of mine once gave me a great mental visual for understanding emotions. She explained that she usually thinks of emotions as a pendulum; someone usually can only be as excited as they can be angry or sad. Example: Toddlers. They can be the happiest little creatures with the biggest and best giggles. Until they learned that someone ate all the goldfish crackers. And in that 2.87 seconds they will show you just how extreme their emotions can reach. Cue: large tantrum.
In this moment, it is hard to remain calm and organized. We, as adults, understand that Toddler ate all the crackers earlier today. We, as adults, also reminded Toddler 3 times during snack that the crackers are now all gone. We, as adults, also reminded Toddler that we will buy more goldfish tomorrow.
Behavior is communication. Those tantrums might mean “I’m tired” “I’m frustrated” “I’m disappointed” “I’m feeling something too big and I don’t understand how to tell you.” Reassuring Toddler that their feelings are allowed and I will hold you through this moment allows them to understand how to process these big emotions the next time they show up. Which I’m sure will be again in the next 23-47 minutes from now, on average.
But those giggles and squeals might mean “You are my absolute favorite person.” That tackle to the throat might mean “I love you with my whole body”
After every big storm, comes a beautiful rainbow. So brace yourself in this stormy season with a vacuum, mop, and beverage of choice. Enjoy your little Her- and Him-icanes, dodge the tornados they throw, and be ready for the occasional peaceful breeze as they weather this season of development.
Cheers, Heather